Half full? What perspective has to do with recovery

It took me years to grasp this not-so-deep expression.  Rather than focusing on the full vs. empty, I'd get stuck with the half part. So while viewing a cup as half empty suggests looking at what's missing, and seeing it as half full connotes a positive outlook, I simply couldn't see it. The half empty description seemed rather positive to me. I mean, at least it's only 1/2 missing! I'm not sure I ever really contemplated half full—as in "it's just not good enough".

Take a look at the image to the right. What do you see?

And when you look at your body? 

Do you focus on all that's good about it, or get fixated on those parts that disgust you?

When you reflect on your eating yesterday do you highlight where you slipped, or acknowledge what was in place?

When you consider how you've eaten over the past week, do you recognize your mindfulness or your balance? Or can’t you get past where your eating, activity or behaviors were less than stellar?

Oh, and about that image above—did you note the black dot, a blemish of sorts? Or did you notice the full screen of white, of possibility?

Gratitude

Why would you take care of a body you despise—one you view as too fat, or weak, or unattractive? Why adequately nourish it, lovingly stretch it, gently exercise it? And why would you keep pushing for change if you can not appreciate the benefits of your efforts?

What if you woke up every morning with appreciation that you were still breathing, that you had the gift of another day? And what if you noted that, beyond the aches and pains, most systems functioned quite well? I know, I know—this maynot be the case for some of you. Persistent tinnitus (that high-pitched ringing in your ears), chronic hip pain, or knee or backaches, problems digesting or sleeping—these are nothing to be thankful for.

A patient of mine just told me about a buddy of his who's an avid hiker. He climbed all 48 4,000 footers in New Hampshire—an impressive feat, I'll tell you, as someone who knows those trails well; they're steep, rugged, filled with loose rock. It's certainly motivating, though, when rewarded with the stunning panoramas when we hit the peaks.

The only thing is, that successful hiker? He's blind, and hikes with a guide dog. Somehow I suspect he doesn't wake up and dwell on his lack of vision.

I really don't know. I am quite fortunate to have a body which functions at 100%, at least for now.

Do we need to experience the threat of loss of function to appreciate that our body works? Must we starve, or fast, to appreciate food? Can't we appreciate the power we have to change our reality, to shift our perspective?

Shift your thoughts

• Perhaps you purged this week, but only once or twice—per week, that is, versus per day.
• Perhaps you exercised, a goal you set for yourself, for 10-15 minutes per session—less than you intended, but more than you had managed to do in the recent months.
• Perhaps you overate, but stopped yourself much sooner than you usually do, preventing an all out binge.
• Perhaps you ate cookies, or cupcakes, but in reasonable portions, and perhaps you allowed yourself to finally taste them and thoroughly enjoy them. Imagine that!
• Perhaps you are beginning to give yourself credit for some positive actions you are taking—just not all the time. 
• Perhaps you can begin by identifying 2-3 positives each day, while getting ready for bed or when getting dressed in the morning.

Your intake, activity, or behaviors may be far from perfect, but perhaps you’re still moving forward. The work may not be done.

Maybe things aren’t so great. But have you lost the ability to create a positive shift, to see the white space?

Perhaps, it’s only half empty.

My gratitude to Rabbi Leslie Gordon and Rabbi Barry Starr for their recent words which inspired this post.

Consider these other posts on this topic:

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2011/06/30-chance-of-rain-70-chance-of-recovery.html

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2011/10/setting-record-straight-shifting-your.html

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2012/01/saying-goodbye-to-your-jeansa-new.html

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2011/07/losing-part-of-your-body-gaining-vision.html

I’ve Gained Weight. Now What Am I Gonna Do?

Perspectives for those with bulimia, anorexia and those with no eating disorders at all.

"How much weight have I gained since we started working together?", “I want to know." That was the pressing question.

Ellie has been seeing me for several years, for periods at a time. She presented with severe bulimia, purging 3 times per day, every day, after each of the three times per day she allowed herself to eat. Back then, eating and keeping food in was simply not an option. Over time, her purge frequency decreased and she normalized her food intake, ultimately giving up her bulimia. 

Beyond her initial and modest weight increase, her weight has remained stable within a 2-3 pound range over the past many years. And that initial increase can be attributed to two things—no longer living in a dehydrated state and better nourishment.

To me, the better question for Ellie to ask would have been " how much better off am I since I’ve changed my eating?" In spite of the modest weight increase that she had no interest in, what did Ellie get in return?

When confronted with this question, she appropriately retreats from her disordered thoughts which periodically reemerge and readily acknowledges just how far she has come, how much better she feels. She remembers that there's no way she could've taken care of her newborn grandchildren in the state she was in then, or be trusted driving back and forth to their home. No, the price she paid, the few pounds gained, is nothing given what she's getting in return.

Gaining weight is rarely seen as a positive in our culture. Advertisements fail to praise us for outgrowing our jeans.

But for some, that is exactly what needs to happen. Staying at the weight you were at when you were 12  is hardly appropriate when you are 16, 20, or 40 years old. And even if your weight is objectively 'within the normal range' for the population, it may not be in range for you. It drives me crazy when doctors tell their patients that their weight—a  weight that has never been maintainable without an eating disorder because it's too low—is fine, because they are basing it on the charts for populations. Why the double standard? Because if you've always been a healthy larger size and you've lost weight through unhealthy measures, that 'normal range weight' may be anything but normal. Perhaps given your build, your genetics, your muscle mass, your history of athleticism, your body needs to be at a higher-than-average weight. And fighting it to be at a place you've never been will only contribute to unhealthy ways of eating and thinking. For your mental and physical well-being, weight gain may be just what's needed.

Gaining weight without an eating disorder?

Not long ago—a couple of months, maybe—I noticed that snugness around the middle. No, my jeans hadn't just been dried at high heat for too long. And really it was not in my head. Everything was fitting a bit too tightly. (Yes, even the bras.) Not one to weigh myself with any regularity, I suddenly jumped on the scale. I felt the need to reality check, to verify what I was feeling.

Yup. My weight was up.

Save your rush to judgement, please--it has nothing to do with the cupcakes, the chocolates and my homemade, full fat lavendar ice cream. Ok, let me clarify. No "I told you so's" necessary, because I ate all those foods before. But over the months of summer, the balance wasn't perfect, and so my weight crept up. 

Could it be that I was super active through the end of June, training for my fundraising ride, only to reduce my activity precipitously with the heat wave and awful humidity? Perhaps. Could it be that I've been socializing more, sipping on wine with dinner more nights than previously. Perhaps.  Could I have possibly joined my husband for an after dinner snack—just because it looked good and I thought I'd keep him company—more often than I really needed from a nourishment standpoint? Likely. Like you, I'm not perfect.

But the bigger question is what to do about it. If you were me, would you:

1. exercise a couple of hours each day to make up for the previous reduction in activity?
2. reduce your food intake to compensate for the extra calories consumed?
3. seek the guidance of a Registered Dietitian?

Ok. So I'm the RD so  I'd better come up with a fix.

But if you don't fall into the categories described above--those truly needing to gain weight, or those who've gained appropriately as a result of releasing yourself from disordered behaviors--and you find you've gained some unnecessary weight, here's what I'd suggest. Intuitively, it may seem appropriate to make up for any overeating in the days or weeks which follow. But don't do it! Instead, refocus. Get back to the basics, particularly if you've found yourself slipping into old patterns. Have you forgotten the basics? For starters,

Sit. No eating as you walk around the kitchen emptying the dishwasher. No eating standing at the fridge. And no, don't sit at the fridge; seat yourself at a kitchen or dining room table.

Separate. Eating and distractions,  (other than your family which you can't get rid of) should be separate activities. TV watching, texting, reading--these should be separate from eating. (Unless, I'll add, you are struggling to get food in and find that being less mindful is actually helpful--which it often is!)

Eat with your senses. Are you seeing your food and acknowledging what you're eating? Are you experiencing the textures of what you're eating? Are you tasting your food? Doing so will allow you to slow the pace and to feel more satisfied with what you're eating. You'll enjoy the food so much more!

Choose what you enjoy. Are you giving yourself permission to eat what you like, or holding on to rules about what's allowed vs forbidden, in your mind?

Tune in to  your hunger. Don't wait  until you are at the extremes of hunger--if you're starving you are more likely to struggle to eat as described above, and overeat.

Re-explore fullness. Are you eating until you are stuffed? Might a modest adjustment in portions be appropriate? That said, if you start with smaller portions, do give yourself permission to eat again later--after about an hour--regardless of what you you ate before.

Don't panic! And don't take radical steps to 'fix' the problem. Restrictive eating, denying your body's signals and needs, does nothing positive in the long run. It will only perpetuate an unhealthy cycle and make you feel like c!*P!

Breathe. It won't take long to get yourself back on track. But be realistic--if your eating was off course for some time it will certainly take some time for you to be back to your former, healthy self. Radical dietary changes can have radically negative consequences, so do be patient and appreciate the modest improvements as they happen.

Parenting Without Disorder: It's Not Too Late to Role Model

Stir Crazy Grace  August 5, 2013 at 1:46 AM

"Thank you, thank you, for normalizing (re-normalizing?) normal food and normal eating! As a mom, I am also doing my best to give these attitudes to my family. My challenge, besides the fact that I deal with my own food issues, is an overeating spouse who likes to bring the child along on his path. Would you ever address anything like that? How we, with food issues, deal with being responsible in our families for being the provider of nutrition and shaper, to some degree, of the attitudes there? I always look forward to your posts! Thank you!"

I grew up on Whoopie Pies but I prefer a
good scone these days.

Thank you, SC Grace, for asking and prompting this post. It is not too late to change your eating, nor to model a healthy relationship with food, even if you've struggled during your own childhood. So I'll share a bit about my own experience as a child, a young adult, and as a mom.

I grew up on Lucky Charms and Capt’n Crunch for breakfast. Mayonnaise sandwiches on Wonder white bread was my frequent snack of choice which I'd help myself to; I’d pull a chair up to the refrigerator to reach the shiny metal bread box at the top, clad in my Pjs, while my mom slept early am—I was preschool age then. I don't think I was sneaking—although I don't know what she'd have said if she found me climbing above the fridge and eating.

I ate everything, including cooked-to-death canned vegetables—I loved the rubbery mushrooms and the flaccid asparagus spear pieces the best—and fried liver and onions. Really.  Casseroles made with those goopy canned soups—high in fat, saturated fat, and sodium, and low in fiber—these were the norms. And I guess even then I paid attention to how I experienced food.  I was free to eat cookies—and ice cream and cakes—but only after I finished my meal. Somehow that was never a problem for me. I do recall many a comment about what an appetite I had. Yes, compared to sedentary adults who were not growing, my needs, like those of all growing children, were great.

I never encouraged grapefruit--it was just always one of his favorites.
Go figure.

Then my mom went through her dieting jags. I turned to grapefruit and dry toast with black coffee and salads for lunch—just vinegar, please. Fish, cooked dry—and it tasted it—with merely a sprinkle of all-the same-on-everything seasoning. Oh, and plenty of cottage cheese—low fat of course. No fresh garlic, just powdered. No herbs. No tasty olive oil. Minimal pleasure, I’ll add.

Yup, it's me in my college years. (As promised, Cate!)

And when I was college age and gained more than the freshman fifteen, I was told that I could use to lose about 20 pounds. There was no exploration of the why, no guidance on the how. My mom did instruct me to hold my stomach in, however. I restricted my eating at times, and binged at others. I became rigid about how things were prepared (heaven forbid there was something added that I didn't know about) and I even had a short-lived period as a vegetarian.

Fast forward

Over the years, my own eating normalized. Yes, I realize that's a rather passive statement. I can't quite say how it happened, though, as I never sought help—I never had something one would have known how to label back then. By today's DSM, I'd be labeled a restrictive binge eater.

And then, of course, I became an RD, and after some years, had a family.

Some things will come intuitively--if you let them be.

In spite of my profession, my sons were the least educated of all their classmates in areas of food and nutrition. They didn't know a carb from a fat, and were never taught that they had to finish their 'healthy' food before eating dessert. Ice cream was an acceptable snack—when it was eaten in the kitchen, at the table, no TV in sight. French toast, pancakes and waffles with real maple syrup the norm in our home. They did know that Frosted Flakes was more candy then cereal—and they were tuned in to be critical viewers of the media. It never struck me as problematic when my son had a fuller build, appropriate before his adolescent growth spurt.

In their later years of high school and into college the discussions began. They wanted to know if what they were hearing was true—like whey protein for muscle development? And what’s the story about eating late at night? And are refined carbs as bad as they say?

But really, they already knew the answers. They knew from seeing how we ate that a varied diet was appropriate. And they heard that food was something to be consumed both for fuel and for pleasure. They learned that food was neither to be used as a treat, a reward for good behavior, nor to be withheld as a punishment for bad behavior nor for eating too much. And they had learned to trust their bodies.

And now?

I just spent 4 days on a mini vacation with my husband and my 2 20+year old sons, and what I heard and saw only reaffirms this parenting approach.

I learned that my elder son mixes his cereals at work, where he eats breakfast daily on workdays.  Approximately one third is Frosted Flakes, 2/3 regular Cheerios. Or, there's Kashi Heart to Heart—with a bit of Lucky Charms thrown in—for sugar, or maybe even nostalgia, I suspect. And at our local dairy where the ice cream is oh-so-rich and the portions are crazy large, my almost 6'2” boys order a ‘kiddie’—a single scoop—because it’s just as much as they need.

My adult kids enjoy fine food out—and their share of cheap, quick food—but in moderation. Son #2 would choose fresh blueberries or a fruit laden dessert over chocolate any day. And they’re both as excited about the farm-fresh tomatoes we’ve recently gotten as I am. Meals are eaten at the table—eating in the bedroom or the family room is just not happening—at least when they're home; I can’t speak for what happens in their own space.

They might be momentarily engaged with some texting, but for the most part, meals are mindfully consumed. They talk about the flavors—their preference for one vinegar or oil over another—and they choose foods they enjoy. They are foodies—with all that connotes—but mostly it speaks to their appreciation for how food tastes. Both my sons enjoy eating—and cooking.

As for spouses: I could never have raised my kids as I did if my husband countered my messages with talk of 'good foods' vs 'bad foods'. Or if he told them that they couldn't have seconds. Or if he continually prompted them to eat—even if they weren't hungry.

Most important, talk to your partner so you can be consistent in the message you put out there. And when your spouse isn’t on board, address the issue away from the ears of your children. Arguing around food is the last thing you want to be doing. Food and eating shouldn’t be stressful.

Educate your partner—do they get it? Maybe they have no reason to get it, given little personal experience with a food struggle. Or maybe they are so stuck in their patterns that they aren’t too self aware. Perhaps you can make the connections for them. They just might need some direction.

Remember it's not too late to modify your approach—just be consistent with your message. Focus on health and self care, on listening to and respecting one's body, versus targeting a change in weight.

Hope that helps.

Comments are both welcome and encouraged! Thanks for reading.