Trust Yourself. Except When You Can’t Be Trusted.

6:04 PM

Hi Lori,

 Could I bother you for some support again?? Am *really* struggling with wanting to weigh myself. If you had a moment could you please remind me why this is not a good idea.

Wouldn't it be great if there were a similar warning posted above
your scale? TURN BACK NOW! Or face the consequences!

Here’s what I’ve got:

• It's  too high god knows what I’ll do – and that is not good for my safety
• If it’s where I want it to be or lower then ED is the one telling me how to feel
• I really do want to be rid of all this, and weighing myself will only prolong my recovery
• It will be 13 weeks tomorrow without weighing myself – and I’m proud of that
• I really feel that my recovery only started for real when I stopped weighing

Any other thoughts would be really gratefully appreciated

Thank you

And here was my response last night:

"I think you nailed it, PJ. Weighing yourself messes with your head. Not weighing yourself allows you to take charge a bit. Body mass doesn't change in 24 (or 72 hours) in any measurable way. But changes in weight may reflect bowel function, hydration, menstrual status, fluid retention, to name a few. It takes 3,500 calories per week (above whatever is required to maintain your weight) to gain a single pound, more than that if your metabolic rate is on its way up.

You are worth more than your weight in pounds (or kilos). Also, not weighing yourself may increase your anxiety. Be sure to acknowledge that and add some stress reduction (non-exercise focused) activities to help you cope."

This isn’t to say that nobody should weigh herself. It really depends on what your issue is and what kind of place you are in.

A 2005 study from a Brown University psychologist showed that regular weighing was associated with better maintenance of weight loss in an obese population of women. Perfect! I think I’ll start daily weighing, I bet you’re thinking. Not so fast, not so fast.

Lot's of steps before you reach your goals.
Is it worth it?

Weight management isn’t the only outcome we should be addressing. What about the impact, not on pounds, but on perceptions? Are you grounded enough that if the scale changes, yet you know in your heart you have been sticking to your goals and feeling in control of your eating behaviors, listening to and respecting your body, that you will be able to dismiss it as a senseless measure?

Or will this trigger more negative thoughts about your self, more obsessive thinking, and a sense of failure? If you are in a good place—grounded enough to roll with the scale fluctuations, which are sure to occur—you may be fine weighing your self. But please don’t make this decision on your own. Consult your supports.

First ask yourself “How will I feel if the results aren’t what I am expecting?” Am I truly more anxious not knowing my weight, or knowing it? Will it be destructive for me? If the answer is honestly no, then try the following.

Before getting on the scale, do a bit of a self-assessment. Ask yourself:

• Have I been honoring my hunger and eating when I need to?
• Have I been stopping when I’ve had enough, or when I’ve had what I think I should have based on unhealthy food rules I’m holding on to?        
• Am I respecting my activity goals, and listening to my body?
• Am I being honest with myself about my actions?
• How am I feeling? What positive changes have I made that I need to acknowledge?

And finally, have a plan before weighing. What do I know and plan to do differently, as a result of my self-assessment?

What can you take from my correspondence with PJ?

Here's the view from the top. Worth the trek? 

Like PJ, you probably have more sense than you realize. But if you are struggling with trust and feeling more vulnerable to your unhealthy behaviors, take a few pointers from her.

• Acknowledge you are struggling. 
• Whether you are working on weight restoration or are overweight and trying to lose weight and improve your relationship with food, be realistic. Change isn’t linear. In other words, there will be ups and down, progress and slips, moments of strength and times of hopelessness. That’s what recovery really looks like.
•  Reach out and ask for what you need. Not everyone around you is supportive, however (I’m sure you can provide plenty of examples for us!) So call, email, text, post an S.O.S. to those you feel you can count on.

Focus on what is in place. And make a plan for changing what needs to be changed.

Thanks, PJ, for allowing me to share this! 

Please add your thoughts and experiences to the comments. Looking forward to hearing from readers.

How Does My Brain Look? Personal, Random Thoughts About Beauty.

Ashley, @ Nourishing the Soul wrote a beautiful piece this week, entitled Why I Get Tired of “You Are Beautiful”www.nourishing-the-soul.com/2011/07/why-i-get-tired-of-you-are-beautiful. 

Mica seems well aware of his many attributes beyond physical beauty.

I read it, then started to type in my comments, only to realize that I had way too much to say to limit to a comment box. Ah, the beauty of having your own blog!

Being frequently told you’re beautiful, or even pretty, is a set up. It’s easy to become dependent on other people’s opinions of you—of your physical appearance, as well as your other attributes. And then if they don’t happen to comment, you are left questioning “Do I look okay?”

If your greatest merit is being attractive, or thin, what will happen if these change? What else will you have to feel good about? Aging will certainly be something to fear, and normal body changes occurring with each decade will be impossible to accept.

If you and others focus solely on your attractiveness, it may leave you questioning what other aspects make up who you are. Are you smart? Witty? Affectionate? Loyal? A good parent or friend? A good writer or cook?

When I was about to graduate from college, I decided it was time to be taken seriously. My full head of attention-getting curly hair needed to go. I wanted to be seen for who I was and what I was capable of, not judged by my exterior. I graduated with the shortest haircut ever. And no, it was not even the style back then. Was it necessary? Maybe not. But at that time it reassured me that people were looking past their first look at my appearance and seeing what else I had to offer.

Summer of 1983, before the haircut.

For a significant part of my early college years I suffered from a common condition known as imposter syndrome. I believed that they couldn’t have really meant to accept me to this top university. My acceptance must have been based on my looks, I assumed. I needed to prove otherwise, that I had perhaps unseen strengths, as I went through college and then ventured into my next stage of life. Perhaps it sounds contradictory, but I needed to modify my appearance in order to get past relying on it.

Consider this.

Must you wait to be at that certain size or have that perfect appearance to like yourself and appreciate yourself? What do you like about yourself—physically and on all other levels? And if your mind's a blank for ideas, ask those who choose to spend time with you. What do they really appreciate about you and find beautiful?

If you don’t like yourself, why would you even bother to take care of yourself—to treat yourself with appropriate nourishment, to respect your hunger and your fullness, to listen to your body’s limits, like when it says you are too tired to exercise (or feel better after a moderate workout)?

And consider what messages you convey to others. Do you greet them with a physical assessment, such as  “Did you lose weight?” or “You look great”. Would you want to have the pressure of such comments on you? And would you even hear them the way they were intended, or project your own thoughts into them? Can’t we greet friends and loved ones with “How are you?” or “I’m concerned about you”, or “You seem so full of life”?

Perhaps if I were into high maintenance I’d grow my hair out again; I’m past the point of fearing that I am just about my exterior. But who has the time and the patience? And besides, the haircut’s already scheduled. Now if only I could accept the spreading silver-grey.

Thoughts? Might I remind you I always appreciate hearing your feedback on these posts, so please comment!

The War On Obesity: Preventing Collateral Damage

Mrs. D rushed into my office apologetic. “So sorry I’m late”, she said. “I was held up at the principal’s.” The principal’s? Mrs. D is well into her 30s, and her middle school aged son hardly seems to be one that would cause a visit to the principal’s office. And then the details unfolded.

Mrs. D and her son Sean had unknowingly broken with school policy, committing a public school crime. She had allowed Sean to bike to school. And in spite of the presence of bike racks (which one might think suggested that bikes might be allowed on the premises) biking to school is forbidden.

 According to the principal, if he allowed Sean to ride his bicycle to school, than there might be 100 students who’d want to ride their bikes to middle school. Imagine that—dozens of middle-schoolers getting more exercise, incorporating biking into their daily routine. The school might even need to get more bike racks.

In theory, the principal appeared to understand. But permission for policy change is only granted by a school committee vote. That is, if it were deemed important enough to land on their meeting’s agenda. And the school committee only meets periodically during the school year. So for now, Sean will need to skip his biking to school, lest he break the rules again.

Why the recent interest in biking anyway?

Several months ago, Sean’s school began its own war on obesity. First, they screened all the kids, evaluating them based on their BMI. (for more thoughts on BMI and its problems, check out http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2011/02/where-bmi-goes-wrong-lessons-from-cupid.html) Their weight report cards were then sent home. They were not, by the way, accompanied by a fitness assessment, which might have included measurements of strength or cardio fitness.

Concerned and caring mom that she is, Mrs. D responded to her son’s high BMI by seeking appropriate guidance. And so they presented to me.

Remember when kids were allowed to have milkshakes?

Sean has done remarkably well these months since we began working together. He’s eating better and learning to better manage his previously excessive portions, by responding to his physical cues. And he has significantly improved his food choices when dining out; no, he hasn’t given up burgers and fries, but now he might share a single portion of the fries or skip the cheese on the burgers. Those endless sodas at restaurants are now a thing of the past. In addition, this shift toward healthier eating has led to more meals prepared at home—an added benefit for the whole family.

Moving more was also on Sean’s to do list. After brainstorming together Sean and I decided that bike riding would be a fun, manageable activity to help improve his fitness. He began with weekend rides and then suggested biking to school, weather permitting. Yes, Sean was only trying to do well—to eat healthier, be more active and fit, and respond to the school-prompted campaign against obesity in a sensible, practical way. How unfortunate the school was so short sighted about its unhealthy policy.

As a side note, let me tell you a bit about Mrs. D. She has long struggled with anorexia and has also been working with me on her own eating issues. The school’s Get Fit night, together with the BMI materials send home, were nothing short of triggering. While well intentioned, the evening’s focus on eating less and exercising more, a seemingly harmless message, was not a healthy message for someone struggling with food restriction issues. 

One-size-fits-all recommendations can often do more harm than good. Simple nutrition overgeneralizations, classifying foods into good and bad categories only leads to trouble. While the school meant well trying to control obesity, sending the message of eat this, not that teaches nothing valuable.

It’s kind of like the My Plate message stating that we (all) should Eat Less (http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2011/06/time-to-clear-my-plate-before-you-get.html) If 50 or 60 % of all kids are overweight, that means that the rest are not overweight, right?

Did all the Get Fit night guests need to be told to eat less? Did they need to have fats identified by their calorie density, without labeling their many benefits? Did they have to be categorizing desserts as forbidden, while failing to teach self-regulation and balance?

Not Sean's favorite, but definitely mine--French macarons.
(the reason why it's taken me so long to get a post done this week)

Hard and fast rules and simplistic messages are not the answer for weight management. A healthy diet includes cupcakes, macarons and chocolate as well as fruits, vegetables, nuts and oils, dairy and lean meats. It’s all about balance. 

Counseling an overweight preteen as well as his anorexic mom forces me to think carefully about what war we really should be fighting. Should the focus be on what foods to include and which to omit from the diet? Should I encourage some foods for a mom, while forbidding those items from the son’s diet? Not a chance. Whether underweight or overweight, the message is strikingly similar—honor your body and respect its needs. And if hunger and fullness awareness feels foreign, trust that you can re-learn them.

Photo courtesy of Sean

As for Sean, his BMI has dropped significantly, as a result of a slow reduction in weight while his growth has continued. He still enjoys his favorite foods, including ice cream and French fries, but is starting to determine when he has had just enough. And this summer, now that he is out of school, he’ll be spending a lot more time cycling, with minimal TV time. That is, when he’s not watching the Tour De France.